I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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