Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
