So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
