I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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