Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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