i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
