Christians are straight up FREAKS
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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