I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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