After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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