Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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