Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
