now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
