just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize