take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
