How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
