I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
