she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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