Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My room smells like vodka and shame
how can u be prego again
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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