So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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