My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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