it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you will always have a special place in my vag
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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