apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
