How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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