Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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