She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
