be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
fuck your aforementioned shoe
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
