I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
