Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
