is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
