there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
