Just mADE A PArabola og urine
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
