I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
