If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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