Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
