I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
