My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
