turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
