$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
