She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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