I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
