I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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