I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
