not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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