Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
