so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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