i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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