i already hear my dad disowning me
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
