Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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