She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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