This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
