Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
