I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
