Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
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