Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
