If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
